Being girls, I’m sure we all shared a similar high school
experience. There was always that one
guy…and then there was always that one
girl that hated us because of that one guy.
For me, the girl's name was Krissy. She and I started out friends cheering together for our high school.
Things quickly escalated toward the other end of the spectrum when her
boyfriend (of years!) happened to become that one guy I had developed the hots for. He had been my friend forever
and somehow, over the course of time, my feelings of friendship literally
plunged into teenage love. This led to quite a bit of flirting between us and
eventually to conversations and situations that should have never taken place. By
all means, I probably could have been referred to as the “other woman”. Her
boyfriend wouldn’t break up with her, so I settled for any attention he would
give me.
If you knew Krissy and me then, you know the story well (and
probably have stories that show the uglier sides of us both). We hated each
other, talked trash about each other to our friends, and blasted one another on
our social media. I remember one time she posted the lyrics to the song, “He
Loves Me, He Loves You Not”. While she never put my name on there, everyone
knew who she was referencing. If you happened to catch us in the same place at
the same time, you could have cut the tension with a knife…which, for that very
reason, often led to us avoiding places we knew the other would be. It was so
bad that I can remember one day at school (a place where we had no choice but to be together)
we had on the same shirt and I begged the teacher to let me go home so I could
change.
While many would assume this was a typical teenage clash
that would soon blow over, that simply wasn’t the case. The feud seemed as if
it would go on indefinitely, continuing to last through college. The feelings
were so strong, that even years later I would simply refer to Krissy as “her”
and not even her name. About 2 years ago (almost 10 years after it all began),
I found out she had moved back to our hometown. I was told that she had 2 small
daughters and had fled an abusive relationship. After hearing some of the
specific details about what she had endured, my heart completely shattered. It
was in that moment that God began to deal with me concerning my relationship
with her and my relationship with Him because of it. Here are the 5 things God
showed me through my sworn enemy.
1. She’s a real person, just like me.
For
years I only saw Krissy as the girl who had the guy I wanted. She was more of an object, something standing in my way. But you
know what…God showed me that she was actually a real person, just like me. She had feelings. She had a
heart. She was probably mean to me because of my actions toward her first. And I deserved it all. The things I did and said hurt her feelings probably more than the things she did and said to me hurt mine. But I had never taken that into consideration. As I am older now and a new person in Christ, I look back on the situation with
embarrassment. I can finally place myself in her shoes and realize she probably
had every right to be the way she was. She had every right to hate me! I had only
been thinking about my own feelings and my own heart and not hers. I was beyond
selfish and spiteful.
I can’t imagine the hurt that I caused her because I wanted my own happiness no
matter the pain it caused anyone else.
Just like any other situation when we are
at odds with another, we want to be the one that’s right…the better person. But
God calls us to treat others the way we want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). He
calls us to love no matter the situation…even when someone wrongs us. If you
are holding a grudge or have ill feelings toward someone else, place yourself
in their shoes. What might they be feeling? Why might they be hurting too? You might just surprise yourself at what you realize.
2. Humility.
This was probably one of, if
not THE, biggest thing God taught me during all of this. For years, I had let my pride tell me
that only my feelings mattered, and it caused me all kinds of
problems, not only in my relationship with Krissy, but in my relationship with my
husband and ultimately in my relationship with God. However, it was time to get my life back on track with Him. If anything, though, I only had to make things right with God and wouldn’t need to actually
work it out with her, right?? I mean, she was no longer living in Hazard and wasn't in my life, so why would I have to seek her out?? But I was so hindered from the past that I could not move
forward in my present and future with God no matter how many times I asked Him for His forgiveness. My mind constantly went to thoughts of
the entire situation and I felt almost disconnected from Him. My pride took a hit when I realized
I needed to fully die to my old self (teenage years and all) and that
required admitting my wrongs to her...talk about needing some humility! I would have to admit that I was wrong, however embarrassing it may have been. I had in no way acted the way
God calls us to act. He calls us to put others above ourselves…to think of
ourselves last (Philippians 2:3). So I tucked my tail between my legs and did
what I needed to do. To me, #2 must always come before #3. Only when we humble
ourselves can we truly repent of our sins to both God and the person we sin
against. God opposes the proud, but He gives grace to the humble
(James 4:6). Thank God for grace!!
3. Forgiveness.
In the
beginning my twisted thinking led me to believe that I needed to forgive Krissy
for what she had done to me. After doing so, I still continued to think about
her all of the time. I kept asking God, “why am I thinking about her?? She isn’t
a part of my life anymore. I’ve forgiven her for all of it!” But that’s when He
showed me #1…she was a real person and the things I had done affected her even
more than I realized at the time, and then He showed me #2...I was going to have to humble myself. I may have asked God to forgive me for what I had done, but I hadn’t
asked Krissy for HER forgiveness. The things I did to her were wrong on so many
levels. I kid you not, 10 years later, I still felt guilty about it all! (Conviction has no time limits!) I was convicted so
much that I brought it up in conversation with her and apologized. While I thought she would think I was crazy for bringing it up so many years later, I realized that she had never gained any true closure from it all either. We talked
through it and finally made complete amends. While she didn’t have to
forgive me, she did. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
If you are harboring unforgiveness toward
someone, remember that it only makes you the prisoner. I found this quote that
sums up exactly what it is. “Unforgiveness becomes bitterness, which leads to
persistent anger, which locks me in a private cage affecting all my
relationships.” Holding on to it will only allow Satan to have a foothold in
your life and lead to other destructive things, like bitterness and anger. Also
remember, God will not forgive our sins if we do not forgive the sins of others
(Matthew 6:15). You may think that your not forgiving someone isn't affecting you, but I'm sad to say that you are poorly mistaken! Notice how the anger and bitterness from that situation starts showing up in other areas of your life.
It is also vital that we ask for forgiveness when
we wrong someone else. As James 5:16 says, “Make this your
common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so
that you can live together whole and healed.” (MSG) The only way for me (and
her) to completely heal from the situation was to ask for forgiveness. While I
might have confessed my sin to God, it was only when I also confessed to her
and asked forgiveness that I was made completely whole again…able to finally
move forward in my walk with God. Satan no longer had a foothold in my life by
any means and God could use me the way He needed.
4. Sin will continue to haunt you if not dealt
with properly.
After apologizing for my actions, I still had her on my mind
and heart A LOT. I kept telling God that all of the unforgiveness was gone,
what could be left to deal with from this situation?? And what He showed me
blew my mind. It was jealousy. Jealousy?? I couldn’t for the life of me figure
out where jealousy would be an issue 10 years after all of this. Of course, I
was jealous of her back then because she had the love of my life. I was jealous
that nothing I could do or say would make him break up with her to be with me.
But it was another definition of jealousy that, unbeknownst to me, was
hindering me. Dictionary.com explains it as “mental uneasiness from
suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.” Because of what had happened back then,
I had developed insecurity in my own relationship (eventually even in my marriage, too). I feared
that because of what I had done to her back then, it was going to happen to me
one day. I would be the one who was blinded by love and would have been easy to
lie to. I would be the one who was naïve to what my husband was doing behind my
back. I really had to seek God to get rid of that emotion so that it wouldn’t
hinder or hurt my marriage. After much prayer and reading the Bible, it was God and only God that could rid me of the jealousy and give me the security I needed to be the
wife I was supposed to be. Not dealing with the sin that came out of that
situation still affected me 10 years later without me realizing it. I encourage you, too, to seek God
on any sin that may still be in your life. It may come as a surprise to you as
to what it is, but until you do so you will not be able to grow in God and the
calling He has placed on your life. Any sin, no matter how big or small, can
keep you in bondage. It is up to us to discover it and ask God to break us free
from it.
5. You can overcome through God.
When
Krissy moved back to Hazard and God kept placing her on my heart, I reached out
to her on Facebook. After making amends, we began to talk more and more. Eventually
a friendship formed that, in my opinion, probably would have been the same
friendship we would have had, had our love triangle never occurred. It is only
by God’s grace and mercy (and LOTS of prayer and seeking God) that we were able
to put the past behind us and move forward. Satan would have loved nothing more
than for us to have continued to hold grudges against one another. Instead, God
worked on us and through us to get us to where we are today. We both are truly
different people than we were back then. I invited her to church often and she
finally took me up on that offer a few weeks ago (and she loved it, just like I
told her she would!). Last Sunday, Krissy, myself, and the guy we fought over
in high school, sat side by side in church with absolutely no awkwardness or
bad feelings…if that isn’t God, I don’t know what is!!! What’s just as crazy is
the fact that she and I met for lunch to discuss this blog and we could sit and
laugh about the things that happened back then! I truly thank God for the
friend I have found in her and I am more than excited to see what He has in
store for us! If you are holding a grudge or have hard feelings toward someone,
I urge you to pray and seek God. This world will never help you overcome
feelings of anger or hate…it will only encourage them (let's face it...people love drama more than anything). But as Romans 8:37
states, “…in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved
us.” It is only through God that we can truly overcome the past (no matter what it is) and move on to
the future He has for us.
